Life Update: My Story

I started noticing something was wrong fall semester of my sophomore year in college. I started waking up every morning feeling sick to my stomach and exhausted. I started missing at least one morning class a week. At the time I just wrote it off as stress because I had just finished dealing with a horrible roommate situation that required me to move rooms. When spring semester came around I was still struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I decided to go to the doctors to see what was wrong. They tested for mono, thyroid problems and low iron levels. All those tests came back negative. I finished up spring semester without going back to the doctors. It was only after an entire summer of going to my normal doctor's for blood tests every 2-3 weeks that my doctor decided to see how I would react to a mild dose of anxiety medication. It helped a lot and that was when I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and given a medicated dose of the anxiety medicine.

Fall semester was better until I was severely injured at the end of the semester. I took a stray hockey puck to the collarbone at a hockey game which resulted in a completely broken bone. After surgery to pin the bone back into place, the main incision became infected. This resulted in a second surgery and three weeks with a PICC line in my arm which I used to give myself IV antibiotics. Looking back on it I think that is when I really snapped. I am (was) deathly afraid of objects being in my body (needles, splinters, metal pins and screws, etc.) and I had to have an entire tube in my vein and sticking out of my arm for three weeks. I had to take a very strong prescription anxiety medication during the surgery to put the line in since I was awake for the procedure. I was so freaked out the following day that I had to take the second dose in order to cope. People say that I was so strong and so brave for getting through that time but I still think that something snapped in me. My body was so stressed out from the original break and surgery and then to add the infection, second surgery, PICC line and antibiotics, I think something inside me mentally just snapped, even if I didn't know it at the time. I say this because I haven't been the same since then.

Three days after I got my PICC line out I left to study abroad in Australia. I'm weird in that I'm an introvert with an anxiety disorder but traveling is not something that scares me. On the contrary, one of my passions in life is traveling. I think it's because I was raised in a family that travels a lot. Getting adjusted to the culture and finding my place there wasn't too difficult for me. What I really struggled with was the academics. They terrified me to the point where when the assignments started about mid semester, I had an anxiety attack almost every night. I didn't want to be alone which is very odd for me. In general I like being alone. I doubted my abilities to do well in my courses which had never been a problem for me. I have never gotten a grade lower than a B in my entire life, and those in themselves were rare. There logically was no reason I should have been so concerned. I also noticed that if my body got tired then I would start to panic, something that hadn't happened before either. I want to pause here and say that I wouldn't give up my study abroad experience for anything. It was the most incredible thing I've been able to do so far in my lifetime. More so I'm telling you this because how I reacted to those circumstances in Australia was very unusual for me. I think part of it might have stemmed from how much pressure there has always been on me to excel in academics. Because of that, I was really never taught how to deal with potential failure or how to be ok with average work. Then I was thrown into a situation with a completely new academic system without knowing how to convince myself that I only needed to pass the class instead of excel in it.

When I got home this past summer I started therapy. It definitely helped. I also went to Zumba once a week and spent a lot of time with my friends and my boyfriend. Things weren't perfect but they were at least somewhat manageable. Now I'm currently in my fall semester of my senior year at my home university and it's been rough, I won't lie. The semester started off shaky with my anxiety getting so bad that I had to ask to back out of my marching band auditions which really aren't a big deal. I was also dealing with the reverse culture shock of being back on campus after I was gone for an entire semester. I got stuck in a senior capstone class that I'm woefully unqualified to take. The main source of my stress is that class. I can't speak up in class because of my anxiety so I'm losing points there. I had to get prescription beta blockers in order to give my presentation and the presentation itself made me extremely anxious almost every day for several weeks leading up to it. I wake up many mornings not only sick but panicking about everything that needs to be done during the week. I cry. A lot. I feel anxious when I perform for marching band, something that I've never struggled with before. During our first home game it was really hot out and my body got so stressed out from the heat during our pre-game performance that I had a panic attack in public and felt sick for the rest of the day. Some days I struggle to enjoy things that I've always loved such as my horseback riding class and marching band. I don't enjoy school any more. I used to love it. I used to love being able to learn. But now I just feel burned out. Now I want nothing more than to be done with school. I doubt my abilities to do well in classes, even when they're very easy classes. I'm missing lectures that I shouldn't (but can at least afford to) miss. I have very little motivation to get my work done on time or in a timely matter.  I am no longer sure of what I want to do with my life or if I'm even good enough to do it. I'm tired of lying about how I feel, about how my anxiety is effecting me. Pretending to be alright when I'm not and dealing with people who just don't get it are probably the two most draining things that I have to deal with.

All that being said, I am seeking help. I am struggling right now but I'm still searching for ways to manage my anxiety. For those of you who might also be struggling with an anxiety disorder or any kind of mental disorder, I say don't give up. There will be a time when we don't have to struggle everyday.

"At the end of the day tell yourself gently: 'I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway.'"